Call me an old fart if you must, but I remember a time when you could talk any old bullshit to your friends over a beer, and they would have no choice but to believe you. It would all come down to delivery: tone of voice, facial expression, gestures. And you could work on these techniques in the mirror, you understand, in vitro as it were, before you went to a live situation.
But now …
Now they get out their little iphone-pad-tablet-sony-ereader-surf-module-personalized-portable-cyber-gizmo and their onto the Internet in 0.35 seconds to check what you just said.
It’s not right I tell you.
But … why would you want to lie – and to your friends.
Because, it’s, fun.
And I don’t drag these things on forever, a 20 minute lie is more than adequate for my needs.
Try it – you’ll never go back to a straight-laced convcersation ever again.
Here are my top three favorites from recent times:
3rd place: The Australian Aborigines invented red wine. They had another name for it of course (Benalla), and used a wild grape native to the East coast (Wangaratta), but it was red wine all the same. Enter the French, those lying cheating sons of bitches, who thought it would be easiest thing in the world to adapt the Aboriginal trechnique to their own grape varieties. So they did exactly that, and have been telling the world ever since that it was all their own work. The bastards.
2nd place: Marcus Aurelius was an Emperor of ancient Rome (played by Richard Harris in the movie Gladiator). He was known to be a moderate and well-rounded Emperor, sage and thoughtful, but did you know … his wife once took a fancy to one of the gladiators she had seen in the arena. She then, rather foolishly, divulged this to Aurelius, who was so taken aback by the unexpected admission that he called for the council of his most trusted advisor. The advisor, deliberating the delicate situation, consulted his medical texts, finally reporting to his Emperor that there was indeed something that could be done to break the spell this gladiator had over his wife. Aurelieus was all for it – and followed the advice to the letter. He called his wife to undress herself and sit in an alabaster bath tub, whereupon the gladiator in question was called into the chamber with her, and had his throat cut so that his blood might pour over her naked skin. She lay in the tub, soaked through with the man’s blood, for a day and a night – and behold … she was cured of her desire for the man.
1st place: I trained in Mixed Martial Arts for a while (Free Fight, UFC, that kind of thing) – this is true. My friends knew this about me, as difficult as it is to believe because I’m such a wussy-boy now, so it made the set up for for this lie perfect. My choice in violent sports came up one day in conversation quite naturally, and I just started laughing. “I can’t believe you guys still believe that.” “What. It’s not true?” “Of course not. Jesus, those guys are sick.” “But you lied to us for months, what could you possibly gain from lying like that, you’re fucked, this is absurd …….” Then I really laughed. “Hell, is it true or not?” “It’s true. I was a low quality, though very enthusiastic, cage fighter.” Then I laughed again. “Oh, God, what’s true now … we can’t tell.”
Just the way I like it thank you very much.
(insert evil snicker here)