The Lie is a dying Art

Posted in truth 101 with tags , , , , , on 19/04/2012 by mujo

Call me an old fart if you must, but I remember a time when you could talk any old bullshit to your friends over a beer, and they would have no choice but to believe you. It would all come down to delivery: tone of voice, facial expression, gestures. And you could work on these techniques in the mirror, you understand, in vitro as it were, before you went to a live situation.

But now …

Now they get out their little iphone-pad-tablet-sony-ereader-surf-module-personalized-portable-cyber-gizmo and their onto the Internet in 0.35 seconds to check what you just said.

It’s not right I tell you.

But … why would you want to lie – and to your friends.

Because, it’s, fun.

And I don’t drag these things on forever, a 20 minute lie is more than adequate for my needs.

Try it – you’ll never go back to a straight-laced convcersation ever again.

Here are my top three favorites from recent times:

3rd place: The Australian Aborigines invented red wine. They had another name for it of course (Benalla), and used a wild grape native to the East coast (Wangaratta), but it was red wine all the same. Enter the French, those lying cheating sons of bitches, who thought it would be easiest thing in the world to adapt the Aboriginal trechnique to their own grape varieties. So they did exactly that, and have been telling the world ever since that it was all their own work. The bastards.

2nd place: Marcus Aurelius was an Emperor of ancient Rome (played by Richard Harris in the movie Gladiator). He was known to be a moderate and well-rounded Emperor, sage and thoughtful, but did you know … his wife once took a fancy to one of the gladiators she had seen in the arena. She then, rather foolishly, divulged this to Aurelius, who was so taken aback by the unexpected admission that he called for the council of his most trusted advisor. The advisor, deliberating the delicate situation, consulted his medical texts, finally reporting to his Emperor that there was indeed something that could be done to break the spell this gladiator had over his wife. Aurelieus was all for it – and followed the advice to the letter. He called his wife to undress herself and sit in an alabaster bath tub, whereupon the gladiator in question was called into the chamber with her, and had his throat cut so that his blood might pour over her naked skin. She lay in the tub, soaked through with the man’s blood, for a day and a night – and behold … she was cured of her desire for the man.

1st place: I trained in Mixed Martial Arts for a while (Free Fight, UFC, that kind of thing) – this is true. My friends knew this about me, as difficult as it is to believe because I’m such a wussy-boy now, so it made the set up for for this lie perfect. My choice in violent sports came up one day in conversation quite naturally, and I just started laughing. “I can’t believe you guys still believe that.” “What. It’s not true?” “Of course not. Jesus, those guys are sick.” “But you lied to us for months, what could you possibly gain from lying like that, you’re fucked, this is absurd …….” Then I really laughed. “Hell, is it true or not?” “It’s true. I was a low quality, though very enthusiastic, cage fighter.” Then I laughed again. “Oh, God, what’s true now … we can’t tell.”

Just the way I like it thank you very much.

(insert evil snicker here)

The TRUTH THEY never wanted you to know

Posted in truth 101 with tags , , , , , , on 17/04/2012 by mujo

I have an admission – and whatever it will cost me to admit it here, I am willing to speak the truth.

I love conspiracy theories.

But more importantly, they seem to love me back. They dive deep into my psyche and play all sorts of games with me and my paranoia and every notion of self reliance that I own. And yet love them I do, and cannot get enough of them.

Continue reading

I break therefore I am

Posted in truth 101 with tags , , , on 15/04/2012 by mujo

Klutz-hood is not for everyone. It’s not enough to subscribe to the journal, pay your membership fees and voila – you’re a klutz.

Oh no, no, no.

Klutz-hood is a calling. A lifestyle. A state of mind in which the ensuing gracelessness touches everything you lay your hands on. Things break.

Oh, yeah! Continue reading

The Wise Groundhog

Posted in today with tags , , , , , on 28/03/2012 by mujo

Today I had a Groundhog Day experience.

No, I didn’t wake up to the same day I had yesterday. It was more like the scene where Bill Murray, realizing he was continually waking up to the same day and knowing absolutely everything that was going to happen, speculated that God might be nothing more impressive than someone who’d been around long enough to see it all happen. Not superhuman as much as well worn. Continue reading

To Cough or Not To Cough

Posted in truth 101 with tags , , , , , on 08/03/2012 by mujo

(or … How To Lose Time Without Really Trying.)

I coughed and I coughed and I coughed. I cracked a rib coughing. My wife threatened to crack another if I didn’t get help. Could I really say why I was refusing? Continue reading

Me, Versatile!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on 01/02/2012 by mujo

Julie Kachyk nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award.


It’s a surprisingly cool feeling. Thank you so much.

And let’s face it, a touch of green for the site can only be a good thing. Continue reading

New countries. New languages. New mistakes.

Posted in travel, truth 101 with tags , , , , , on 25/01/2012 by mujo

My grammatical screw-ups are many and frequent when speaking my second class languages (Italian, French, German and Bosnian): like saying I’m ‘soft tired’ instead of dead tired (Italian), or ‘put the chicken in hell’ instead of into the oven (Italian), or ‘put a mouse on your face’ instead of a smile (French).

But here for you all now, are my top three favourites in the category of “Sorry, I’m not from around here”:

Continue reading

That Damn Couch

Posted in today with tags , , on 23/01/2012 by mujo

Today someone called to buy the couch. Oh yeah, baby. That’s what I’m talking about.

Perhaps I should start at the beginning …

I have a thing for starting over. Moving to new places and starting from scratch. And the cleaner and simpler that new start, the better. As a result, I pack light.

Continue reading

Hair Free and Happy

Posted in today with tags , , , on 20/01/2012 by mujo

Today I shaved my ears. It’s a little routine I’ve gotten into doing – about once a week – to preserve my mental health.

No, it’s not because of that little baulk some people do when they see a guy with hairy ears. If you don’t know what that looks like – and I’m hoping you don’t – imagine speaking with someone who has just realized that odd smell isn’t coming from their own arm pits.

Mmm, tasty.

Continue reading

The education of an Australian palette

Posted in food with tags , , , , on 18/01/2012 by mujo

How can you tell the Australian in a posh restaurant? He asks for the Soup du Jour of the Day, and the Pie à la mode with a scoop of ice cream on the side.

True. True.

Continue reading