Your Body is a Traitor and Needs to be Broken

Your body isn’t your friend – it’s your slave. Keep it on a short leash or forever pay the price.

Fact: the body talks tough, but it’s a pussy. Every tiny departure from it’s strict and absolute ideal is met with a raft of physiological moanings. Blood pressure, cholesterol, gastric acid, you name it. Just the sort of thing to make your general practitioner start planning that extension to his house. Do not listen to your body. Ever. It will siren song its way into your ear and your fun, will, stop, dead.

If your body had its way with you you’d never guzzle beer, go out after midnight, listen to ear-splitting music, dance until you drop, sleep in a gutter, wake at midday with a sunburn on your exposed gut, then eat a breakfast of bacon and eggs deep fried in butter.

If your body had its way with you you’d be a lean, shining, zen poster-child who’d live to a hundred and forty. But … you’d have the personality of a doorstop and the social circle of a freshly squirted cow pat.

My personal solution: pile driver.

This is how I like to do it. When I know my body is not looking, I take a flying lunge and tackle it by the waist – making sure I get a solid grip. At first all I’m looking to do is hang on for the initial volley of resistance. It’s in the inevitable calm that follows that I can take advantage of my body’s pumkin-like nature to flip it’s feet to the sky. Then it’s a simple matter of ramming the top of my skull into the ground and cackling like a victorious hyena.

So your not into wrestling. Fine. Perhaps you’d prefer, I don’t know, self flagellation? Sitting up to your gonads in ice water? Eating a fistful of salt? Truly, I’m indifferent to method, it’s the principle that matters.

And what is the principle?

You are in charge.

If you wanna keep callin the shots – then you gotta start callin the shots, dammit. Capture that hill, soldier, and hold it. Defend it with your life. For if you ever lose that high ground your body will have you eating organic sunflower seeds and sipping camomile tea from sunrise until sunset (which will be your new bed time) for the rest of your insufferably long and miserable existence.

Self love is a fool’s calling.

Staple your nipples and smile.

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