Indie Writer 1 – Humble Beginnings

How does one become an indie writer? Oh, that part is easy as anything – you DON’T land a publishing deal.

Well any old fool can do that. Including me.

Next, one must be at ease with one’s choice. Stop dreaming that the Chief Acquisitions Officer at Simon & Schuster will be waiting for you one day, contract in hand, at the window table of your favourite coffee dive. Invest this Kundalini sex energy into your writing instead – good things will come (yes, pun intended).

Step 3. There is another dream (perhaps only a cliché) you must quash – you will NOT be left alone to your craft while ‘other people’ (your non-existent team) occupy themselves with marketing, distribution, promotion, sales, readings and so on. Get used to the idea that you will be doing every-fucking-thing (and then some) alone.

Independence(noun): freedom from the shit of others.

Now who in their right mind is not up for a bit of that?

Last Preliminary Step. Acquire a mirror. Set aside an hour or two, an afternoon if you know you’re a slow learner, and stare deep into its honest depths. Stare into it until the blood-stained pus of truth wells in your eyes and runs in acidic rivulets down your cheeks. Then, you ask yourself the following question:

“Am I really a writer, or just another self-deceiving masturbator taken with the romance of an endeavour I have neither the talent nor the balls to pursue?”

Maybe you’re having difficulty placing yourself.

Listen: if you write under the distinct impression that your strings are being pulled by something bigger than yourself, you’re the real deal. If you haven’t already, procure yourself a pen and a piece of paper, and start.

If you fall into the auto-erotic category you will need (at the very least) the following: a feather-light lap top with high-fidelity, ultra-long range Wifi, backlit and waterproof keyboard, 16 port USB station enabled for Firewire 3.2 technology, 52 terabytes of RAM mounted on an Octacore Intel Processor, with Dolby Faithful Surround Sound Virtual Matrix Immersion Experience © speakers.

Wankers – get the click out of here.

Writers – hang around for more instalments, it gets juicy …

talk to me ...

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