Hair Free and Happy

Today I shaved my ears. It’s a little routine I’ve gotten into doing – about once a week – to preserve my mental health.

No, it’s not because of that little baulk some people do when they see a guy with hairy ears. If you don’t know what that looks like – and I’m hoping you don’t – imagine speaking with someone who has just realized that odd smell isn’t coming from their own arm pits.

Mmm, tasty.

And no, it’s not even because of that other, more subtle (but equally unsettling) gesture some people have to rub their eyes unconsciously when they see dark, blurry streaks where they shouldn’t be. In the bespeckled, the equivalent move is to fog the glasses and wipe down the lenses on one’s shirt while never breaking the rhythm of the conversation.

Classy.

No, no, it’s nothing like that at all.

See, if I don’t eliminate those unwanted hairs, I have a tendency to pick up FM radio.

And, truly now, hearing little voices in my head is not at all good for my paranoia.

In fairness, when Whitney tells me that the greatest love of all is inside of me … well that’s OK, I guess.

But when Eminem informs me he’s gonna fuck my shit up sideways and longways and every which way … I tend to reach for some of them little blue and white sedatives (they’re stronger than the red ones you know).

But I have Quad-blade Turbo-glide Auto-moisturising Retro-polishing Shaving Technology ™ in my bathroom. What me worry?

So say goodbye to koala boy, and say hello to the sleek and shimmering, social unobtrusiveness of seal boy.

And I can run faster to the bus stop (so much less wind resistance you know).

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2 Responses to “Hair Free and Happy”

  1. snagglewordz Says:

    Thank you for this enlightening post. What radio station do the nose hairs pick up, AM? Above Mouth?

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