To Cough or Not To Cough

(or … How To Lose Time Without Really Trying.)

I coughed and I coughed and I coughed. I cracked a rib coughing. My wife threatened to crack another if I didn’t get help. Could I really say why I was refusing?

Actually, yes.

See, it’s just my asthma.”

Bullshit.” Retorts my wife (I love it when she gets all Shakespeare on my arse.) “Your asthma doesn’t make you go blue in the face and double up on the floor.”

Hmm, she makes a good argument with a hammer in her hand.

So I compromised just a little and did some research on the Internet. And, admittedly, I had the wrong diagnosis. It wasn’t asthma at all, I was in fact turning into a werewolf.

What a relief.

You cough because your vocal cords are getting ready for howling. The intense coughing, in turn, robs you of sleep at night – but that’s just part of preparing you for your nocturnal roamings. And because you don’t sleep any more, you get to work on turning the rumblings of phlegm in the middle of your chest into a genuine growl.

Fun shit, huh?

When one coughs like a werewolf, try to avoid the following:

1. Denial. (This thing is really happening to you. Embrace the animal within.)

2. Laughing it off. (Who’s gonna be laughing when those farmers come knocking at your door asking how their sheep died?)

3. Drinking herbal teas. (How do you expect to be a feared and loathed creature of the nether world if you’re drinking bio-organic cammomile infusions all day?)

And most importantly:

4. Seeking medical advice. (These so-called experts will want to give you all sorts of fancy sounding explanations like ‘bronchitis’, and then fancy sounding medicines like ‘antibiotics’. And then where will you be?)

Honey, why have you tied this wire around my testicles?”

You have an appointment with the doctor. And if you give me any hell …” She tightened the wire and smiled.

I guess I could have a chat with him.”

Good boy.”

And I did, and – pretty much as expected – he wasn’t in agreement with my decision to run with the pack. Prick.

So now, apparently, I’m all ‘better’. The coughing has nearly finished, but my voice has been permamently changed. Which I can’t bring up in front of my wife because she still gets upset at the mention of it. (A bit of projection there on her part I guess. Being a singer and all.)

For my part, I like my new bruised and battered voice. Hell, I’m not planning any arias in the near future anyway.

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